I’m a music box and you’re the song inside.

I haven’t blogged very much since finding out I was pregnant. The thoughts and feelings are so deep and so many that I haven’t even known where to begin. This morning I woke up remembering what lies ahead in the day–boy or girl?? I finally sat down and wrote out some thoughts that I’d thought I could share. It’s an intimate glimpse, but one that I think you could appreciate.

How will it all look? How will I handle the hard times? Can I love enough-deep enough? Can I be devoted enough? Can I sacrifice enough? Will the good truly outweigh the bad? Will the lack of sleep drive me to distance myself from others? Will my wonderful, perfect marriage become dull and full of daily chores and exhaustion?

Will I lose a sense of myself-the young me, the artistic me, the adventurous and a bit crazy me? Will it all be taken over, like some alien abduction where I return as a “Mom”, robotic and set in a routine?

No amount of planning, praying and waiting could have possibly answered these questions. They are deep and surrounding.

It’s all been an idea of a baby-a concept. On paper it all seemed so simple. I just want a baby. Now all I really know is that I am almost 15 pounds heavier, it looks like I have a globe of the world stuck under my shirt and I can barely roll over in bed at night. It’s become a mystery, like looking into a deep ocean and seeing shapes of what lies just beneath the surface. Even when I look to others who have gone ahead of me in this craziness, I still feel a vagueness about the whole thing. No amount of books or friends can make me feel “ready”.

In about 2 hours we will find out if you are made of sugar and spice or snails and puppy dog tails. It will be another step in the reality of YOU. A person, not an idea or an event to plan for. A person with dreams, with hurts, fears, desires and accomplishments. A person who will be brave, loving, full of questions and unspoken hopes. You will grow, you will explore. You will struggle. You will be unpredictable. You will love Jesus. Your daddy will be your hero and your best friend will be Ripley. You will fish with grandpa, you will take walks with grandma. You will be spoiled by Aunt Mary and go camping with Uncle Henry. You will taste fruit and climb mountains. You will play in piles of yellow leaves and splash in puddles after rain storms. You will scrap your knees and find comfort in my arms.You’ll laugh and splash in the bath and I’ll wrap you up in a towel with your little wet head poking out. You will be the most loved, the most cherish, the most beautifully perfect-and you will be all mine.

I want the world for you, my baby. And no amount of questions or fears will ever change that.

I can’t wait to meet you.

btw- you are a BOY!!!

Get the heck out of here.

I just read that Ryan Adams married Mandy Moore. Mandy frickin’ Moore. This better not change the love-sick, depressing music I have come to love from Ryan Adams. How can an artist continue writing about love and loss after getting married? I had the same fears when Chris Martin married Gwyneth Paltrow. Coldplay’s music was little less heart-sick with love and a lot more political. I do like the songs that are about Chris Martin’s kids, those are so great.

Well, congrats you two love birds. Hopefully this will make Mandy Moore’s music more credible and not make Ryan Adams’ less.

A tall girl with a short guy. I like that.

a mix fit for a president

Dear Mr. President,

First off let me just say Congratulations on your historic nomination! I may or may not have voted for you, but it really doesn’t matter now, does it. I was thinking of ways to welcome you to your new role and to the White House, a plate-of-brownies-for-the-new-neighbor type of gesture. I personally enjoy receiving Mix CD’s from new friends, it helps to get to know them a little better. I decided I would create a Presidential Mix CD for you. It is quite eclectic, mixing a few things together. I’ve heard you really like “Gimme Shelter” by the Rolling Stones, so I made sure to include that one for you, Mr. President. Overall it has a political feel, but it doesn’t take itself very seriously. Kind of like me!

Thanks for serving our country. Wishing you all the best!

Kate Groeneman

P.S. check out my blog thatgirlkate.wordpress.com

My “Welcome President Obama” Mix:

1. Panic-The Smiths
2. Gimme Shelter-Rolling Stones
3. Coldplay-Politik
4. Under Pressure-Queen and David Bowie
5. Blowin’ In The Wind- Bob Dylan
6. Pride (In the Name of Love)- U2
7. Ring of Fire-Johnny Cash
8. Bonzo Goes to Bitburg- The Ramones
9. Paper Planes- M.I.A.
10. Michael Jackson- Bad
11. Star Spangled Banner

Personal Favorites from 2008

Great Music:

Kanye West //808s and Heartbreak

Apples in Stereo //New Magnetic Wonder

Brooke Fraser //Albertine

Coldplay//Viva La Vida

Kings of Leon //Only by the Night

Black Kids //Wizards of Ahhhs

Bell X1 //Flock

Kyte //Kyte

Duffy //Rockferry

Books

Atonement //Ian McEwan

The Great Gatsby //F Scott Fitzgerald

Boy and Going Solo //Roald Dahl

Nine Stories //J.D. Salinger

Celebrate Recovery Bible

Movies:

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Atonement

There Will Be Blood

Quantum of Solace

Cloverfield

Juno

Iron Man

No Country For Old Men

Australia

Ghost Town

Advent vs. “Countdown to Christmas”

My friend Seth emailed me, along with other friends and family, an invitation to join him in taking time to remember Advent through this holiday season. In all honesty due to lack of maturity, respect and time I desperately needed some spurring on in this area.

A few nights ago I found myself driving in my car, singing a Christmas hymn and overwhelmed at what Christ chose to do for us…for ME. I sang along, “O Come O Come Emmanuel” as I cried and said thank you over and over. Maybe it is because I am traveling the slow road through Celebrate Recovery and have a new sense of God’s grace in our lives and the price Christ paid for me, or maybe I am growing in my relationship with the Lord and see how His birth was the first step in our romance. Or maybe it is the Holy Spirit welling up inside me, emotional and rejoicing at the birth of Christ. Whatever the reason, I have decided to not let the next 22 days go by in stress, exhaustion and day-to-day living, as a countdown to Christmas Day. Instead I choose to honor Christ, his birth, his death, and resurrection each day in whatever ways I can.

Advent vs. “Countdown to Christmas” by James K.A. Smith I was jarred yesterday upon entering the sanctuary: the banners and colors for advent were black. A stark black cloth was draped across the pipes of the organ, and four narrow black banners stretched vertically across the front of the sanctuary–the first marked with a flame at the base, indicating the first Sunday of Advent. This dark simplicity was so jarring because it stood in such contrast to the festive colors that have lined the city streets, the labyrinths of the mall, and even the grocery store since before Thanksgiving. The reds and greens of a secularized “Christmas” are woven through public and private spaces, accented by glittering silvers and golds, and twinkling lights of all colors. Having gathered from this dazzling, festive space outside, the black banners of the sanctuary come as a shock. Which, of course, is exactly the point. Having been more deeply formed by Hallmark and Target, even Christians have confused Advent with our culture’s “countdown to Christmas.” Most specifically, we have forgotten that Advent is a penitential season akin to Lent. It is a season in which we are confronted with our need for a Savior, thus we relive Israel’s anquished hope and expectation. It is a season whose garments are the sackcloth and ashes of the prophets or the camel’s hair cloak of John the Baptist, not the jolly get-up of Santa Claus. Advent is a season marked by fasting in longing, living on the meagre diet of John’s locusts and honey–not the sumptuous extravagance of corporate “Christmas” banquets or the fabled indulgence of office “Christmas” parties. We’ve been trained to want Christmas without waiting; rather than a beginning, Christmas day has been turned into a culmination, an end point. After December 25, it’s all over except for the soon-to-be-broken toys and the mounds of leftovers. Thus we busily feast before the day. Advent gets subsumed by the frantic “countdown to Christmas.” But the result is the exact opposite of Advent which is a season of penitential longing, formative denial, and hungry hoping. This hungry hoping was captured, I thought, in a classic hymn we sang yesterday: O come, O come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel, that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear. O come, thou Wisdom from on high, who orderest all things mightily; to us the path of knowledge show, and teach us in her ways to go. O come, thou Rod of Jesse, free thine own from Satan’s tyranny; from depths of hell thy people save, and give them victory over the grave. O come, thou Dayspring, come and cheer our spirits by thine advent here; disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death’s dark shadows put to flight. Advent is not yet Christmas–it is preparation for that twelve-day feast. The black of the Advent sanctuary weighs heavily on us, the same way that the darkness of the Lenten sanctuary–culminating in the darkness of Tenebrae–births in us an affective, intense desire for the inbreaking of Resurrection Sunday, for the light and white and lillies of Easter! So, too, the black of the Advent sanctuary can foster in us a new repetition of Israel’s hoping. How I’m looking forward to the transformation on Christmas day! Then, in the midst of festive light and dazzling color, we’ll sing the refrain with new fervor: Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel has come to thee, O Israel.

Pictures from the Coldplay show

waiting for the lightrail and gettin’ pritty, pritty excited…

“clocks”

Chris Martin doing his stand up routine.

“in my place”

“The Scientist”

just a personal show in our section, no biggie.

just got to hold chris martins hand for a second, thats all.

no big deal.

For video of full songs visit my facebook or click HERE.

Sigur Ros Concert-Red Rocks

Here are some pictures from the Sigur Ros show Shelley took me and Dustin to. We then took Angie and Fletcher. It was like a real-life example of Pay It Forward people, minus the annoying kid from the 6th sense, whats his name…oh Haley Joel Osmond. Yeah, minus him. Anyway, here are the pictures.

When looking through binoculars, one must match.

When there is a camera present, one must always be ready for the picture.

When at Red Rocks, one must always take a picture with the stage and city behind.

When taking a picture with a friend, one must always smoosh your head together.

When at a Sigur Ros show, one must be quite serious.

My friend Kate was also at the show, but I didn’t get to take a picture with her. Instead here is a picture from her 25th birthday party from the 6th of this month. I love Kate.

Sailing on a Ship

I have a friend who is going through Celebrate Recovery. We don’t attend together, but there is a certain comradarie for those of us going through the program. Recently I made a “Recovery Mix” of songs that I felt God was using to encourage me and speak to me while I drudge through the 12 steps. I passed the mix on to my friend and in return he made a mix for me that he is listening to while he goes through recovery. Every song on the mix speaks to me, but the first song is the best. It perfectly describes how I feel as I obediently walk through the program and work the steps, it is able to put into words what I can’t and I want to share it with you.

A voice is on the wind
It calls me further in
I’m heading deeper into Your heart
Your mark is on my chest
My sails filled with your breath
You guide me by the light of the stars

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

Though skies go blue to grey
And I’m thrown from wave to wave
You still will hear these lungs singing hard
With every storm I face
I find a greater grace
That pulls me deeper into Your heart

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on

To where the water’s running sweet and bright
The sun is rising in the eastern sky
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

Phil Wickham

Sailing on a Ship

Speaking of Depressing

My friend Mark blogged about recently watching “I Am Sam” and crying like a baby. The movie is ridiculously depressing, and as I said to Mark, I will say again- I hate movies and music that are purposefully depressing, it feels manipulative to me. Sean Penn may be a retard, but technically he is not mentally handicapped, but somehow you watch that movie and it makes you want to just die.

Case in point: “Christmas Shoes” by Newsong. What an over-the-top, purposefully pitiful song.

I knew girls in high school that loved to cry. They would intentionally watch something or listen to something just to cry. Either as a group of girls crying in a soggy huddle or alone in their room staring in the mirror crying and thinking “This is me crying. This is what I look like when I cry” while listening to Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

Ok, so maybe I was the one crying and looking in the mirror, but I have grown out of that phase and I refuse to watch or listen to things that are only trying to push my cry button with fake, sad scenarios. I don’t mind true stories and I do cry when I hear horrible things on the news, and I feel no shame in that.

While I’m on it, don’t even get me started on the crying girl from American Idol.

Perfect example.

Howdy, Partn’r

Here’s as a lil’ sampling of what I’m listening to on my Shuffle,

for all you Lil’ Music Deputies out there.

Bad Skin Day:Bell X1

The Lovers:Ladytron

November:Azure Ray

Love’s Not a Competition But I’m Winning:Kaiser Chiefs

I Know It’s Over:The Smiths

I’m Not Going To Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You:Black Kids

I’ve Underestimated My Charm (Again):Black Kids

When I Learn to Sing:Starflyer59

They Won’t Sleep:Kyte

Expectations:Belle and Sebastian

Superstar:Sonic Youth

Sea of Love:Cat Power

Blue Veins:The Racontuers

Rest My Chemistry:Interpol

Tabletops:The Films