i can admit right now that i am a crier. i cry all of the time and about pretty much anything. i cry if someone else is crying in my presence, i cry watching the news, i cry when i say sorry or when someone is saying sorry to me. now, i am not talking like alligator tears and sobs, just a little dampness around the eyes and few choked words. you understand.
there are 2 things about this that i hate: 1) i NEVER want to be crying every time that i am. there is never a time that i am happy to be crying, especially around other people. 2) crying is so distracting. i feel like my words are not being heard only my pathetic tears. making a small situation seem so huge at times.
this leads me to the point of the blog-thought: i cry almost every time i am in worship. literally almost every single time. i can hardly sing because my throat feels like it is closing due to the choking back tears. if i was able to sing like celine dion and lead worship, i would not be able to complete one song. but luckily for us all, this is not the case. i am not saying this to sound “holier-than-thou” i am saying this out of frustration and annoyance. i really do not enjoy that every time i go to church 20 minutes into it i look like i just got punched in the mouth (my mouth turns all red when i cry. does yours?)
i have heard people talking recently about not wanting to be too emotional in times of worship, that in alowing your emotions to infiltrate and consume, it then detracts from the moment or your understanding of what you are learning. my response: in the words of Chresa, “I see your heart, I really do” but i just can’t understand how all other relationships involve emotion and feelings, but then when it comes to God you want to keep it all cerebral. my mind is my greatest enemy in my walk with God. my own thoughts decieve me, leave me feeling hopeless, confused and frustrated. the Holy Spirit speaks to me in my gut, the place where my emotions and feelings are the strongest, the times where i have truly been intimate with God have always been emotional, just as they have been in every meaningful relationship in my life.
i believe this is why i am always crying in worship- my Spirit is just pulling, pushing and welling up so strong that my human body can only respond through tears. knowing that now, it kind of makes the crying a bit more beautiful, in a wet, blubbering way. i like knowing that my mind can be at rest and the deepest parts of me can break through all the grey and fog and call out to God so naked and real. besides, my mind is quite pathetic and has never offered me much in the past, anyway.
some emotional worship for all you thinkers out there. grab some tissues and enjoy.