last night dustin and i had one of those totally
gut wrenching, make-me-want-to-vomit honest talks. i had to admit some pretty ugly stuff, stuff that i could barely tell him much less post here for all to read. (you want to know what it is so bad, don’t you!?! well too bad sucka)
dustin was so sweet, loving and embraced me in every way, even though he really deserved to be hurt and angry. in truth i wanted him to be angry and punish me for the stupid crap that i do. i don’t want mercy, i don’t want grace. i don’t deserve it.
how will i ever change or learn if i am not humiliated into repentance?
in the same way God has been a source of just too much love and grace to me and my ugly parts. i want to feel wrath, fire and brimstone. i want to pay for my downfalls. i want to pay so i feel like i am vindicated. how will i ever change or learn if i don’t pay? how will i know how terrible my sin is if i am not exposed and shamed?
i want to be my own judge. i don’t deserve grace. i don’t deserve forgiveness.
i don’t want to be let off that easy.
it is God’s love that leads us to repentance….but how? how? how? how? how?
To walk upon the waves of faith.
For in the arms of God, I am safe.