guilt, shame and how i deserve it.

last night dustin and i had one of those totally gut wrenching, make-me-want-to-vomit honest talks. i had to admit some pretty ugly stuff, stuff that i could barely tell him much less post here for all to read. (you want to know what it is so bad, don’t you!?! well too bad sucka)

dustin was so sweet, loving and embraced me in every way, even though he really deserved to be hurt and angry. in truth i wanted him to be angry and punish me for the stupid crap that i do. i don’t want mercy, i don’t want grace. i don’t deserve it.

how will i ever change or learn if i am not humiliated into repentance?

in the same way God has been a source of just too much love and grace to me and my ugly parts. i want to feel wrath, fire and brimstone. i want to pay for my downfalls. i want to pay so i feel like i am vindicated. how will i ever change or learn if i don’t pay? how will i know how terrible my sin is if i am not exposed and shamed?

i want to be my own judge. i don’t deserve grace. i don’t deserve forgiveness.

i don’t want to be let off that easy.

it is God’s love that leads us to repentance….but how? how? how? how? how?

 

Ghostly figure out at sea, I hear a voice that’s calling me,
To walk upon the waves of faith.
For in the arms of God, I am safe.
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3 Comments

Filed under aiming at heaven, in my opionation, more like Him

3 responses to “guilt, shame and how i deserve it.

  1. Judi Free.com

    Don’t you see….that’s your punishment. That icky feeling you have when you think about your sin. We are made white as snow, but we still have consequences for sinning. The worse you feel, the closer to God you are getting. The less aware you are of your sin or when it doesn’t “hurt” anymore, is when you need to worry. Consequences come in very unusal ways – ways we don’t even connect sometimes. Search your life…and you will see what sin has done.

  2. i appreciate your honesty in this post. you’re paying by being so hard on yourself. the gift of forgiveness and righteousness by faith is not an easy one to accept, but so essential because there is absolutely no way that you can vindicate yourself. we will always fail, we will always fall short. why punish yourself for being human? if we received what we deserved, we’d all go to hell. that’s the beauty of God’s grace and mercy. you may deserve guilt and shame, but God gave you exactly what you needed in the arms of your husband.
    repentance comes through a desire to strive for a life worthy of the love that Jesus gives. you stumble, pick yourself back up and keep moving. there’s no need to rub your face in the dirt while you’re down. realizing you’ve fallen is hard enough.

  3. thisisandrearosen

    I agree. As much as I don’t want to be “guilt-ridden”, I really do. When I wrong someone, especially my husband, I want to be ripped apart the way they must feel after I have been a total jerk. Sick isn’t? But then I think, if this person can forgive me & God has totally forgiven me, then maybe I should show this same grace & mercy to others…
    Nah!

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