If you have been reading my humble, little blog for very long you probably noticed a recurring theme of frustration with circumstances. God has been really faithful despite all my whining and pathetic “why me?” attitude. Due to the pressure of the trials some really ugly things boiled to the surface. I saw things in myself that could not have been exposed if I would not have gone through what I did. It is not that the circumstances created these ugly things, no, they were there inside my heart all along. Laying dormant. Sleeping until being disturbed and awakened. It is always scary to see the fruit of deeply rooted sin and false ideas buried in your heart. Until this time I would laughed if someone would have said these things were in me. I really understand now when David said, “the heart is deceitful above all things.”
The revelation of these rotten fruits is humbling and put me back in the place where I belong. I need to remember that I am nothing apart from Christ. I am broken, flawed and ignorant. I need Him to help me every day, every minute, every thought, every word, every step, every descision.
“I’m a father and a son; I’ve been a lover with just one,
But this world can get me all undone,
And I’m frightened I’m the only one.
I wrestle with the thoughts I keep,
If I sow the seed of arrogance then it’s loneliness I’ll reap,
It’s loneliness I’ll reap.
Please don’t leave me stranded here,
With a head of lies and a heart of fear.
My life’s a show on Gods TV,
The world an audience, watching me.
So wake me, shake me, keep me sharp,
As I touch the power of Gods great harp.
And this world can fill your head with praise,
That steals me from eternal grace.
So how can I serve God and wealth?
I can captivate an army, but I can’t control myself.
I can’t control myself.
Ghostly figure out at sea, I hear a voice that’s calling me,
To walk upon the waves of faith.
For in the arms of God, I am safe.
All this time, since the day that I was born,
I’ve never known a time like this,
I don’t wanna let you down.
I will sing, sing for your light has come.”