I have been reading back through years and years of journals this past weekend and what an emotional journey it has been. I read about my confusion through my senior year of high school, the growing of new friendships and death of unhealthy ones. I read about long days as a counselor at camp and the quite moments I had with God on a cement bench in an aspen grove. I read an entry from sitting on the plane on my way to England, dedicating my time there to God and telling Him how my heart is only for Him, no distractions (boys). I read a few pages later about the day I discovered Dustin and what a huge distraction he turned out to be, only to realize he wasn’t a distraction at all but the sole purpose of my trip to England. There were entries from the year I was dating Dustin with all the immensely frustrating feelings I dealt with not understanding true love and the way it makes you sometimes feel so afraid. I read about my first morning as a married woman, lying in bed soaking in the reality of the decision I made to give myself to another forever and the bittersweet feelings of the following months mourning my loss of a single life but celebrating being whole and complete, learning how to take care of a home and how to love and cherish my husband.
I read over this past year of major disappointments I suffered in myself, in marriage, in a boss, in a friend and in my own physical body only to see now how all those trials were not negotiable and absolutely had to happen which coincided with God teaching me about “respecting the process and dignifying the trial.” My current journal has a picture of a pot of soil and a spade ready to dig with the words “Growing Journal” at the top-how accurate and true. In the midst of pressure I discovered some ugly things and saw some major pruning of unhealthy fruit that desperately needed to take place in my life. Each journal entry holds my heart and speaks loudly of my true love for Christ, my heart to live only for Him and my desire to grow. Every page speaks of God’s grace to hear my words and read between the lines deep into me, every page speaks of God’s faithfulness and never-ending romance in my life. He joined me under the stars, He pursued me in England, He caught every tear, He spoke tenderly to me in the dark times and loudly in the happy times. He is my best friend, my confidant, my travel agent, my Savior, my Father, the author of my life story.
“I am my beloveds and He is mine.”