let’s get serious for a second, here.

I noticed that I have been avoiding writing anything too serious or personal on my blog. I have sat down a couple times to write something deeper than the usual silliness, only to find that I get uncertain and suffice to say I have about 15 “drafts” that have never been finished or published.

I know so many people who can open up on their blogs and share precious things from their heart, making themselves vulnerable for the sake of healing, growing and ministering to others. I have nothing but awe and respect for those people. It takes guts to share such raw truth with others especially so publicly on the internet. And this is the very reason that I hesitate to share my heart too much. Once it is published it is out there for all to read, judge, and fashion their own opinions of who you are. That is scary.

I have had some things that I wanted to share and decided that having a fear of being honest is a problem that I don’t want to partake in anymore. I want to be brave like Judi, or Teresa. Not to share for the sake of sharing, but so that hopefully someone will benefit and grow.

Here goes it:

#1) I am currently attending a 12 step group called Celebrate Recovery every Monday night. It is intense and challenging. I have seen things in myself that are troubling and realize how truly powerless I am when it comes to the compulsive behaviors in my life. I thought that I could change myself with enough determination, but it turns out I have zero self control, and most of the time when I am given “a way out” of the temptation I don’t take it anyway. I see things that started as a tiny shoot years ago and have grown to be a poisonous force in my heart directing my thoughts, actions and even my beliefs about God. Scary. I am not going to act like going to CR is just as easy as attending some small group or something. Every Monday night I look for reasons not to go, every Monday I struggle with my downfalls worse than any other day, every Monday I tell myself I don’t really need to go to some group and tell total strangers about the deepest parts of my life. Every Monday I am more tired than any other day after work. Every Monday Dustin encourages me to go to CR and every Monday Teresa meets me there and supports me in it. Every Monday I leave CR a different person, better when I arrived and full of hope.

#2) I have really been struggling with trusting people recently. I think a big part of that is because I currently underwent a job change and now carry the title “Pastor” with me everywhere I go. I also think it is because I have been going through a realization of my imperfections in such an intense and hard way and it has made me shrink away from being the normally very open and honest person that I am. Now put those 2 things together Pastor+struggles=fear of being found out.

#3) I was told it would be very hard for me to get pregnant. I have been really ashamed to tell anyone about this, only a few people really know. I feel like it is a weakness in me as a women or something. I feel like there are girls who blink and get pregnant, they are not even necessarily wanting to have kids yet. Then I know girls who have amazing marriages, solid foundations and would be amazing moms and are struggling to get pregnant. I just don’t understand at all. I keep coming back to something Pastor Sarah told me, that everyone’s lives have a timeline and when God gives us a child it will be one his/her timeline is destined to begin, the friends they will have, the spouse they will find, the teachers, pastors and mentors that will enter their life, the adventures they will experience, all these things will line up at the time they are meant to. When I think of the enormous responsibility of that-of a LIFE beginning-it makes it a little easier to know it is not in my hands.

Well if you read all that, I congratulate you.

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9 Comments

Filed under aiming at heaven, Life and Marriage

9 responses to “let’s get serious for a second, here.

  1. I read it all and think that anytime you are working in God’s will and dealing with challenges you are on the right track. Particuarly when there is growth or change taking place in you, through you, and around you, there will be struggles and doubt often creeps in.

    It’s just my 1or2thoughts, but I think that is the time to remember Who’s you are and that every promise and gift in the Word is your right to claim. Press in joyfully, recognize doubt is the last resort of the devil because as you grow, in His confidence you have strength.

  2. Sharon

    Kate, your heart is so precious to me.
    My two cents for what they are worth: As believers we know we are not perfect and then as pastors, we unmercifully judge ourselves not qualified because of our messed-up-ness. I struggled with this also until I came to the end of it or I should say realized the ongoing end of my “self” and began to live Gal. 2:19-21. Conclusion: The Lord didn’t save me based on my good points but because of my lostness He had mercy on me and provided me grace in His eyes and grace in His Spirit, which is the power to change. As a pastor, it isn’t the example of being perfect that He uses to help others, it is the example of how screwed up we are or have been and how He can redeem all of it, in His own wonderful way. The only thing He requires of us is to believe (trust) Him to do it, and when He leads us, to follow. CR, assistant pastoring, babies, its all His leading and He is faithful. And in your believing and following, believe me you are ministering to others.
    And always remember – your mother loves you 🙂

  3. kate, you are so much more brave than you give yourself credit for. i am overjoyed to have your support every monday. you are one of the most encouraging people in my life.

    and if we’ve learned anything from being powerless, it’s that there is nothing that you can do or accomplish that makes you worthy to be a “pastor”, it’s how much you allow the Lord to work through you that gives you the ability to be the awesome and amazing “Pastor Kate”!

  4. thisisandrearosen

    Kate, that was so precious to read. I know it’s really scary to put yourself out there because you are always the thinking of the 2 people that read your blog, but you kind of wish they didn’t. I am so blessed by what I just read. I know that must have been so hard for you, but I truly believe that you are doing the very thing that God wants all of us to do – you are working on yourself to become the woman God wants you to be. That means getting all the old stuff out & getting the new stuff in.

    You have nothing to be ashamed of with any of this. It is refreshing when pastors can be brutally honest, & not put on a facade, pretending that everything is just peachy.

    God knows the desires of your heart – He put them there. He knows you want babies & I just know that you are going to have as many as you want & they will be perfect. Just because a doctor says one thing, God may have a totally different plan for you.

    You are inspiration & I love reading your blog. Keep up the good work. I am so proud of you! Love ya!

  5. Kate, just wanted to say ‘hi’. I’ve seen you comment on other blogs and thought I should pop in on yours. I’m looking forward to following more closely to learn more about you!

  6. 1) i’m pretty sure that if you don’t go to CR then you’re basically completely behind the times, in fact as far as i’m concerned if you’re not in some time of CR then basically you’re not wearing the new pink. and who doesn’t want to wear the new pink? we should start a clan…not a group or a click or a gang….a clan, thats exactly what we need is a clan. the CR clan.

    2) thats the nice thing about our clan. nobody can find us out because we’re telling everybody anyway. that should be our motto…not we want change. we want to tell you so you don’t have to find us out. then we can keep doing what were doing and never have to be worried about being found out… HA!. um, kidding.

    3) it reminds me so much of sarah..when she went for 5 years to the temple to seek God on opening her womb. and then she produced samual which was like the most awesome baby of her day. and then there was mary…who you know had that “miracle birth” or whatever they call it. and that was basically all of God’s doing. so my thoughts are that you don’t even need dustin. HA! actually…eccl. there is a time for all things. we often feel more ready for something then we actually are. God makes all things new and he makes all things period. and the day will most certainly come when this time is given to you.

  7. seanmichaelbrage

    Kate, I wanted to thank you for this post. The fact that you were willing to be this honest and real has actually encouraged (and a$$-kicked) me to seek out some counseling for some of the things I’ve been dealing with and felt trapped by for years. You’ve helped me be willing to step out and live in the freedom of Christ.

  8. Pingback: careful little mouth what you say « That Girl Kate

  9. Hi Kate.
    Found you through judifree.com Can I encourage you?
    Before the foundations of this world, God knew you, and he knew all about your shortcomings and flaws. But he still designed you to be a “pastor” and all the other many wonderful things that you are. When he looks at you, he is proud to call you His. Your honesty did more than touch my heart today, it ouched HIS. You already know this…but NOTHING is too hard for our God, and I pray He blesses you and your husband with the family you desire.
    In Gods love,
    Kelli

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