I noticed that I have been avoiding writing anything too serious or personal on my blog. I have sat down a couple times to write something deeper than the usual silliness, only to find that I get uncertain and suffice to say I have about 15 “drafts” that have never been finished or published.
I know so many people who can open up on their blogs and share precious things from their heart, making themselves vulnerable for the sake of healing, growing and ministering to others. I have nothing but awe and respect for those people. It takes guts to share such raw truth with others especially so publicly on the internet. And this is the very reason that I hesitate to share my heart too much. Once it is published it is out there for all to read, judge, and fashion their own opinions of who you are. That is scary.
I have had some things that I wanted to share and decided that having a fear of being honest is a problem that I don’t want to partake in anymore. I want to be brave like Judi, or Teresa. Not to share for the sake of sharing, but so that hopefully someone will benefit and grow.
Here goes it:
#1) I am currently attending a 12 step group called Celebrate Recovery every Monday night. It is intense and challenging. I have seen things in myself that are troubling and realize how truly powerless I am when it comes to the compulsive behaviors in my life. I thought that I could change myself with enough determination, but it turns out I have zero self control, and most of the time when I am given “a way out” of the temptation I don’t take it anyway. I see things that started as a tiny shoot years ago and have grown to be a poisonous force in my heart directing my thoughts, actions and even my beliefs about God. Scary. I am not going to act like going to CR is just as easy as attending some small group or something. Every Monday night I look for reasons not to go, every Monday I struggle with my downfalls worse than any other day, every Monday I tell myself I don’t really need to go to some group and tell total strangers about the deepest parts of my life. Every Monday I am more tired than any other day after work. Every Monday Dustin encourages me to go to CR and every Monday Teresa meets me there and supports me in it. Every Monday I leave CR a different person, better when I arrived and full of hope.
#2) I have really been struggling with trusting people recently. I think a big part of that is because I currently underwent a job change and now carry the title “Pastor” with me everywhere I go. I also think it is because I have been going through a realization of my imperfections in such an intense and hard way and it has made me shrink away from being the normally very open and honest person that I am. Now put those 2 things together Pastor+struggles=fear of being found out.
#3) I was told it would be very hard for me to get pregnant. I have been really ashamed to tell anyone about this, only a few people really know. I feel like it is a weakness in me as a women or something. I feel like there are girls who blink and get pregnant, they are not even necessarily wanting to have kids yet. Then I know girls who have amazing marriages, solid foundations and would be amazing moms and are struggling to get pregnant. I just don’t understand at all. I keep coming back to something Pastor Sarah told me, that everyone’s lives have a timeline and when God gives us a child it will be one his/her timeline is destined to begin, the friends they will have, the spouse they will find, the teachers, pastors and mentors that will enter their life, the adventures they will experience, all these things will line up at the time they are meant to. When I think of the enormous responsibility of that-of a LIFE beginning-it makes it a little easier to know it is not in my hands.
Well if you read all that, I congratulate you.