I’m a music box and you’re the song inside.

I haven’t blogged very much since finding out I was pregnant. The thoughts and feelings are so deep and so many that I haven’t even known where to begin. This morning I woke up remembering what lies ahead in the day–boy or girl?? I finally sat down and wrote out some thoughts that I’d thought I could share. It’s an intimate glimpse, but one that I think you could appreciate.

How will it all look? How will I handle the hard times? Can I love enough-deep enough? Can I be devoted enough? Can I sacrifice enough? Will the good truly outweigh the bad? Will the lack of sleep drive me to distance myself from others? Will my wonderful, perfect marriage become dull and full of daily chores and exhaustion?

Will I lose a sense of myself-the young me, the artistic me, the adventurous and a bit crazy me? Will it all be taken over, like some alien abduction where I return as a “Mom”, robotic and set in a routine?

No amount of planning, praying and waiting could have possibly answered these questions. They are deep and surrounding.

It’s all been an idea of a baby-a concept. On paper it all seemed so simple. I just want a baby. Now all I really know is that I am almost 15 pounds heavier, it looks like I have a globe of the world stuck under my shirt and I can barely roll over in bed at night. It’s become a mystery, like looking into a deep ocean and seeing shapes of what lies just beneath the surface. Even when I look to others who have gone ahead of me in this craziness, I still feel a vagueness about the whole thing. No amount of books or friends can make me feel “ready”.

In about 2 hours we will find out if you are made of sugar and spice or snails and puppy dog tails. It will be another step in the reality of YOU. A person, not an idea or an event to plan for. A person with dreams, with hurts, fears, desires and accomplishments. A person who will be brave, loving, full of questions and unspoken hopes. You will grow, you will explore. You will struggle. You will be unpredictable. You will love Jesus. Your daddy will be your hero and your best friend will be Ripley. You will fish with grandpa, you will take walks with grandma. You will be spoiled by Aunt Mary and go camping with Uncle Henry. You will taste fruit and climb mountains. You will play in piles of yellow leaves and splash in puddles after rain storms. You will scrap your knees and find comfort in my arms.You’ll laugh and splash in the bath and I’ll wrap you up in a towel with your little wet head poking out. You will be the most loved, the most cherish, the most beautifully perfect-and you will be all mine.

I want the world for you, my baby. And no amount of questions or fears will ever change that.

I can’t wait to meet you.

btw- you are a BOY!!!

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9 Comments

Filed under aiming at heaven, BABY, I love my husband, Life and Marriage, life questions, music, So it begins...

9 responses to “I’m a music box and you’re the song inside.

  1. Adriel

    oh man, i was not ready… i would ask those questions to people and people would give me advice whether i asked for it or not..and i read like 10 different books, and yet i was not ready at all. i know exactly what you mean!!
    i cannot wait to hear what you are having!! oh man sleeping at night while pregnant was the worst…seriously i missed sleeping on my belly..but now if i do that my milk leaks out..HA its nasty!! but i miss being pregnant so much, i loved, loved, loved it!!

  2. teresap

    what?!?! holy crap! i luv being a mommy to a boy!!! you’re gonna luv it!!

  3. I could not be more excited for you and Dustin.

    These thoughts haunt me too…I just rest assured that our amazing husbands won’t let our romance die, and our friendships won’t allow us to become dull.

    Motherhood will be the icing on the cake – I truly believe that…

  4. angie

    Kate, this is beautiful.
    I teared up in the last paragraph. I can’t imagine all the thoughts and emotions that must be circulating through your heart and mind on a daily basis-Wow!- but I AM praying that every night as you close your eyes- after all of the cycles of emotion, worries, and concerns- that you take a deep breathe and feel rest and His steady peace overtake you.
    We can’t wait to meet him- he will be just as perfect as can be!
    Love you, dear sis.

  5. alysha larrison

    that is amazing!

  6. kimberlee

    Your life will change – into whatever you and Dustin decide to make it! I can tell you three things that I have learned in the past 2 years: 1 – it takes longer to get almost anything done. 2 – life just got messy, some days more so than others. 3 – totally and completely…BLESSED. Every frustration, every sleepless night, every tantrum… totally worth it!! There is nothing more amazing and you are going to be amazing parents!

  7. Daniel Chee

    Those such beautiful thoughts. I think the uncertain thoughts are the ones that mean the most as far as growth and parenting go. If you did not have these thoughts you’d probably take pointers on good parenting from a PSP or Nintendo DS. Hazah!

    I hope your days are filled with many many frolics in yellow leaves. Youthful to the last day.

  8. Everything you wrote here is exactly my thoughts too. It’s scary and exciting and I can’t tell you how good it is to know someone else is thinking the same thing as me! 🙂 I’m sitting here crying reading this! (Don’t worry it’s ok I cry about everything… HA)

    by the way that is so exciting he’s a boy!! No Apple I guess… maybe Apple could be a boy name…

    We find out next Monday what our little precious will be!

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