Day three of The Lord’s Table brought conviction, hope and complete dread of the 24 hour fast I start tomorrow.
It is simply embarrassing how much I love food. No, like I am IN love with food. The course is asking us to change our eating patterns for 60 days. Every fourth day is a 24 hour water-only fast and the very suggestion of that makes me feel defensive and angry. Don’t you dare tell me not to eat. Don’t you know how awful I’ll feel? Don’t you know I have a 18 month old son I have to chase around all day? And on top of that you expect me to exercise? Seriously? Don’t take away my source of satisfaction and relief. I need food.
So here’s what is wrong with me. First of all no one is taking anything away from me. I am voluntarily taking this course and no one is making me do any part of it. Second, the very reason I am so terrified is the reason I need to. If that makes any sense. In other words, if even the thought of giving up food for a day in order to draw closer in dependence to Jesus makes me feel afraid than I obviously have a problem.
I am no different than the man who insists he drinks just to relax but then reacts in violent rage when alcohol is taken away. I don’t eat just for nourishment. I eat to treat my nerves, my fears, my uncertainties and insecurities. I eat from emotion and not simple sustenance. It is this reason that I must step forward and surrender my kitchen cabinets. I choose to be obedient to what this program is asking of me knowing that it’s not about addictions,or food, or even me. It’s about Jesus and complete unhindered fellowship with Him.
I choose to forgo the table I have made for myself that time after time ends in shame and disappointment. I will sit at the Lord’s Table tomorrow and feast on His word and drink His living water. Fill my mouth Lord.
I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.
11 “But my people would not listen to me;
Israel would not submit to me.
12 So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts
to follow their own devices. — Psalm 81:10-12