I have officially completed 7 of 60 days from the Lord’s Table. One week’s worth of insight and a new standards being set in my heart and life.
I was telling my friend Marissa about the program and my excitement for the physical and spiritual challenge it presents, to which she responded “that’s just so you, Kate”. I never realized it before, but I guess it is. When a certain note strikes a chord in my heart I enjoy rising to the challenge and desire the change that I see I am in need of.
The course encourages you to read John Piper’s A Hunger For God as you work your way through. I just started it today and am blown away. Totally shattered. And all I read was the preface and introduction. Srsly.
When I think back on my most intimate and special times with Jesus it usually includes a beautiful, outdoors setting. An early morning and a journal. A sunrise at the top of a mountain, a hummingbird’s company, a picnic bench near some black and white cows on a English countryside. A starry night and a sleeping bag. All these memories are so precious to me. So sweet, just simple. I was in love with Jesus and felt Him so near. I wanted to share every moment with Him, like a best friend or a lover. All these moments are so wonderful, so poignant to me and they are so very, very long ago. The truth is I haven’t experienced a coffee date on a summer evening with Jesus in years. I miss it. I am homesick for those moments again. I live off these old memories of the best times I ever had with my Best Friend.
In the past years in moments of worship or quiet times I find myself feeling an unsatisfying distance between God and I. Knowing we use to be closer. I remind Him of the “lilies of the field” or the “fields of gold” where we walked. I ask Him to find me that way again. Pursue me again, Lord. My heart aches for the romance that use to be. I realized today that He has heard those prayers deep from my heart and has opened a door to those beautiful places once again. Except instead of jumping on a plane to England or hiking back up to Inspiration Point He is asking for something deeper, something that will require sacrifice.
The title of the Introduction I read today in Piper’s book was this- “A Homesickness for God”. I read those words and like a little shotgun in my heart I felt it strike me. This is exactly the yearning for the past that I have been feeling. Homesick. Homesick for the past. Homesick for beauty. Homesick for poetic love worth journaling about. I am homesick for Jesus.
God is all his grace and passion for our relationship has led me to this point of education on fasting. I am discovering that He understands my genuine longing for our romance again and just like a lovesick boyfriend He has provided the train ticket to come and be with Him. The ticket will require sacrifice from me. It means a willingness to let go of all the things that so easily cover over my deepest needs. The quick fix of food to comfort my insecurities and uncertainties. Fasting requires me to surrender the cotton candy in order to be filled with the Bread of Life. A lasting and healthy choice.
It is with fasting that I am able to turn to Him and say, “This much, O God, I want You.”