I haven’t blogged very much since finding out I was pregnant. The thoughts and feelings are so deep and so many that I haven’t even known where to begin. This morning I woke up remembering what lies ahead in the day–boy or girl?? I finally sat down and wrote out some thoughts that I’d thought I could share. It’s an intimate glimpse, but one that I think you could appreciate.
How will it all look? How will I handle the hard times? Can I love enough-deep enough? Can I be devoted enough? Can I sacrifice enough? Will the good truly outweigh the bad? Will the lack of sleep drive me to distance myself from others? Will my wonderful, perfect marriage become dull and full of daily chores and exhaustion?
Will I lose a sense of myself-the young me, the artistic me, the adventurous and a bit crazy me? Will it all be taken over, like some alien abduction where I return as a “Mom”, robotic and set in a routine?
No amount of planning, praying and waiting could have possibly answered these questions. They are deep and surrounding.
It’s all been an idea of a baby-a concept. On paper it all seemed so simple. I just want a baby. Now all I really know is that I am almost 15 pounds heavier, it looks like I have a globe of the world stuck under my shirt and I can barely roll over in bed at night. It’s become a mystery, like looking into a deep ocean and seeing shapes of what lies just beneath the surface. Even when I look to others who have gone ahead of me in this craziness, I still feel a vagueness about the whole thing. No amount of books or friends can make me feel “ready”.
In about 2 hours we will find out if you are made of sugar and spice or snails and puppy dog tails. It will be another step in the reality of YOU. A person, not an idea or an event to plan for. A person with dreams, with hurts, fears, desires and accomplishments. A person who will be brave, loving, full of questions and unspoken hopes. You will grow, you will explore. You will struggle. You will be unpredictable. You will love Jesus. Your daddy will be your hero and your best friend will be Ripley. You will fish with grandpa, you will take walks with grandma. You will be spoiled by Aunt Mary and go camping with Uncle Henry. You will taste fruit and climb mountains. You will play in piles of yellow leaves and splash in puddles after rain storms. You will scrap your knees and find comfort in my arms.You’ll laugh and splash in the bath and I’ll wrap you up in a towel with your little wet head poking out. You will be the most loved, the most cherish, the most beautifully perfect-and you will be all mine.
I want the world for you, my baby. And no amount of questions or fears will ever change that.
I can’t wait to meet you.
btw- you are a BOY!!!
People deal with change in their very own, unique way. Some people truly hate it, some people get all giddy over it. I am the kind of person who acts like I hate it but inside I am secretly all giddy.
Everyday I get to know myself a bit more. This time I have discovered that I actually really enjoy change, even if it’s scary or uncertain. I feel all excited that something is stirring and I am a part of it. I can always see the positives of the change. Always. Unfortunately somewhere along the way I have picked up a bad habit of acting really stressed and complaining about it the whole time. Why do I do this? I don’t know. It makes no sense. Maybe now that I see the truth, that I love change, I can stop pretending to despise it and start receiving it with giddiness and positivity.
Naive? Yeah, maybe. Oh well, I’ve definitely never said I wasn’t naive.
As David Bowie said:
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I’m going through
(Turn and face the strain)
Oh, look out you rock ‘n rollers
(Turn and face the strain)
Pretty soon you’re gonna get a little older
More about these changes next week…
We’ll know in about 6 months.
Last Thursday Dustin and I saw David Bazan perform a “house show” at our friend Josh’s place. There was about 50 of us nicely packed into the living room where Bazan strummed his guitar and played a great acoustic set that even included some classic Pedro the Lion songs.
Bazan always has a question and answer time at his shows. Dustin saw him a few years back and was really struck by some of the answers he gave. So I was really interested when someone asked him if he believed in an afterlife. I’m not going to write out the whole reply because I don’t remember it accurately enough to do it justice and also I’m a blogger not a reporter. But there was one part that stuck out to me- Bazan said that he is no longer afraid of death and hell. He said he has come to realize that hell is something that some mean people made up as a threat. (He didn’t talk about heaven so I don’t know if he feels that it is something nice people made up or not.) After stating some disgust at the state of the Evangelical church he went on to say that he would just like to see people follow what Jesus taught. There were supportive “yeahs” and light clapping around the room.
I’m not trying to single out Bazan, but he is a good example of a common theology among our culture. It has become popular to see Jesus as a sort of Ghandi figure, quoting the couple of verses that fit their personal idea of who Jesus is- love your neighbor as yourself, take care of the widows and the poor, turn the other cheek, ect.
I find that they often leave out the parts where Jesus talks about the divisive things: the kingdom of Heaven advancing by force, worshipping God and serving only Him, how Jesus will turn people away from heaven, how real hell is and how many will end up there, and don’t even get me started on the parts where Jesus starts predicting the future and talks about a final judgement. These are not the things that you hear when people reference how great Jesus was-WAS-and how we should all follow his example.
People think of Jesus as some really great guy who taught us how to live in love and peace with humanity. The ultimate hippie. That is partly true, in a very pathetic, watered down way. Jesus didn’t see himself that way. He said: “Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace on the earth! No, I came to bring a sword.” Surprised? Read Matt 10:34-39.
Is this the Jesus that you know? If it’s not then it’s time to open a Bible and read who it is you claim to know and follow.
Filed under aiming at heaven, church stuff, currently reading/listening to, groupies, i am feeling feisty., in my opionation, life questions, more like Him, my friends., right?, stuff I don't like
I had a fabulous facebook chat with my friend Josh today. We were talking about the current trends we see in some friends relating to church. There are a few things that we noticed, and maybe I will write about those another time. For now I thought I’d blog about the biggest thing: church shopping. We as a 20-30 Somethings are the absolute worst when it comes to church shopping. Or, probably more appropriate, just church bashing (sometimes not even actually attending anywhere). Somewhere along the way church became a buffet to us. It became unlimited options for us to pick through and chose exactly what we want. What WE want. It seems like the part about where GOD wants us has become unimportant. (note: I am not talking about people who happen to be in-between churches, I am talking about people who have a pattern of criticizing and leaving churches.)
I was in church one Sunday morning about 3 years ago really unhappy with my church and wishing that we could attend a different one. A cooler one. God spoke to me something at that moment that seemed so base at the time but has subsequently changed my life. I sat in the balcony looking down over the congregation, irritated, frustrated and disappointed, when God said to me that He had called me to this church. He said church is like a family and in a family you can’t chose which one you will be born in to, or what your family members would be like. You may have a weird uncle or a nosy aunt. But it doesn’t matter because they are your family and you chose to love them. I was so convicted by God saying this to me, and I repented for my judgment against my church- my family. After that Sunday the flood gates opened for me and Dustin. We met amazing friends, were promoted in the church and found a true intimacy and unity at ORCC. I can say with all my heart that I love this church, and in return the church loves me. Does that mean that I don’t struggle with things here or don’t have certain desires that I would like met? No, of course not. But when in life is that not the case? This is true in my marriage as well, or in my friendships, but I don’t stop being loyal to them. If you chose to be loyal and love your church you will find the same in return. If you are cold and judgmental you will receive the same in return.
Here are 2 of the best quotes I have ever read about church shopping:
“We have reduced the church to one hour-and-a-half event per week; we have reduced the Gospel to cater to felt needs and personal preferences; and we have reduced discipleship to optional private spiritual exercises …We are raised with so many options we are paralyzed by the possibility of something better … God/church simply gets added to the list of things we consume … the problem is that much of the ‘attractional’ church has fostered this understanding by catering to it …” -Mike Erre, speaking pastor of Rock Harbor Church in Costa Mesa, Calif
“But we as individual “church shoppers” must realize there are problems with every single church. Let me repeat that: There are problems with every single church. There are lame people in every one. There is gossip in every one. There are weird, awkward people in every one. Pastors are going to screw up, the music might suck and the greeter at the door might turn her nose up at you when you enter. When these things happen, remember that none of those things matter. Do not be distracted by these things. People are always going to be flawed. That’s why they need Christ. And you know what? You are there to bring more of Him to that place. You are there to give of yourself, to humble yourself, to form relationships with people you might not normally associate with for the sake of something greater than you. Offer to apply for leadership. Offer to help with a mission trip. Go feed homeless people. If you go with the intent to give of yourself in any and every way possible, I promise the sucky worship leader or the yawner sermons will not matter.
If we walk actively and raise our voices, we will connect. If we sit passively, expecting to be catered to, we will be left in the cold.”
source: Pastor Andrew Schwab
I am sad to report that Moz, the guinea pig, was found dead Saturday morning. Funeral services were held at the dumpster where Dustin shared a few loving words in his memory. We only knew Moz for a week, but his absence is felt and he will be missed. I have heard it said that “those with shorter wicks burn twice as bright”, that was true of our little pig.
For those who knew Moz, please leave your favorite memory in the comments section.
Rest in Peace Moz Theodore Groeneman.
I am a bundle of contradictions. I want harmony but I find myself picking unnecessary fights. Why do I care if someone doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day or hates cats? I want to encourage people but I become judgmental and short. I want to have friends, see people, be social, but I make up excuses to not go out and stay home to hide. I call people back hoping I get their voicemail. I make plans and promises only to break them a couple days later. I admire people who are patient and soft spoken, like Marie from my C.R. group. She is long-suffering and I can’t imagine anyone really annoying her. I, on the other hand, am brash and easily tripped up. There are days where every living thing annoys me. Why do I care if a person has terrible taste in music or that some people pronounce libRary libarry?
Today in our staff meeting, we were talking about a family who is going through a really hard time. My heart was feeling only mercy for them, really wanting things to change for them, but somehow those feelings traveled to my mouth and came out as judgmental and almost mean. I don’t understand it. It’s like two people live inside me, one is sweet and tenderhearted, the other is rude and impatient. Watch out, because lately it’s a gamble at which one you’ll get.
In other news- my cat drinks out of the toilet. Look at this sicko.