Category Archives: sad stuff

10 years ago.

All day I have debated whether or not to write about the 10 year anniversary of Columbine. I hate being on any bandwagon and I especially hate when people use large-scale tragedies as their own personal drama. I decided to go against my usual ways and just let myself write. Who cares if it will seem cliche and typical.

10 years ago I was a freshman at Christian Fellowship School. We were sitting at lunch when a rumor starting going around that someone had been shot at Columbine. We were a small Christian school but all had friends at Columbine. It was the public school that kids would leave CFS for, and all the rest of us would be jealous of their freedom. One of those students who left us for the cool, public school was Cassie Bernall.

Hearing that someone was shot could not have been more foreign or hard to understand to a bunch of kids from the suburbs. This was before cell phones, remember, and we were hearing crazy stuff about bombs and kids lying dead all over. Instead of feeling sadness it was more like an electric buzz of excitement.  Lunch ended and we all went back to class as usual. I was in my English class and it was about 12:30.  We were asked to write a paper about something I don’t remember when all of the sudden I felt a surge of fear and grief so strong that I started crying and couldn’t stop. They sent me to the Vice Principals office so I could talk to someone and calm down. No one else was crying at this point. We didn’t really know what was going on enough to take it in and cry. I didn’t know at that time that Cassie Bernall was in the library and had just been killed.

I wasn’t that close to Cassie. Her brother Chris was actually a close friend and the last time I had seen Chris and Cassie was when we all went to a OC Supertones concert. We all swore we would love Ska forever.

I don’t know why I was overwhelmed with sadness so strong at the same time that Cassie died. We wouldn’t find out that she had been killed until late that night when she never came home. Coincidence? I have no idea. There really is no connection that makes sense. All I know is that it is what I experienced.

The weeks that followed I now interpret through an adult mind. I was just such a child still. We would visit the make-shift memorials at Clement Park dropping off flowers and slowly walking by the TV booths where Tom Brokah or MTV was broadcasting. We attended Cassie’s funeral and for some reason all went bowling together after. We saw Michael W Smith and Amy Grant play a tribute concert on the steps of our local movie theater, down the street from Columbine. It was all so surreal and I don’t think I ever really have understood the depth and the horrible things that happened that day. It’s forever frozen in the mind of a 15 year old girl with limited understanding.

Cassie has become a living legend in my mind. Part of her reality and another part folklore or fantasy. If she were alive today I’m certain we would not even be in touch. But yet in her death she is important to me and I’ll never forget her. The deepness of death can sometimes take years to really set in. In my case it has taken about 10.

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Filed under aiming at heaven, my friends., sad stuff

Sad News

I am sad to report that Moz, the guinea pig, was found dead Saturday morning. Funeral services were held at the dumpster where Dustin shared a few loving words in his memory. We only knew Moz for a week, but his absence is felt and he will be missed.  I have heard it said that “those with shorter wicks burn twice as bright”, that was true of our little pig.

For those who knew Moz, please leave your favorite memory in the comments section.

Rest in Peace Moz Theodore Groeneman.

goodbye_moz

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Filed under life questions, Nerd Alert!, sad stuff, stuff I don't like

I am a weirdo and my cat is a sicko.

I am a bundle of contradictions. I want harmony but I find myself picking unnecessary fights. Why do I care if someone doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day or hates cats? I want to encourage people but I become judgmental and short. I want to have friends, see people, be social, but I make up excuses to not go out and stay home to hide. I call people back hoping I get their voicemail. I make plans and promises only to break them a couple days later.  I admire people who are patient and soft spoken, like Marie from my C.R. group. She is long-suffering and I can’t imagine anyone really annoying her. I, on the other hand, am brash and easily tripped up. There are days where every living thing annoys me. Why do I care if a person has terrible taste in music or that some people pronounce libRary libarry?

Today in our staff meeting, we were talking about a family who is going through a really hard time. My heart was feeling only mercy for them, really wanting things to change for them, but somehow those feelings traveled to my mouth and came out as judgmental and almost mean. I don’t understand it. It’s like two people live inside me, one is sweet and tenderhearted, the other is rude and impatient. Watch out, because lately it’s a gamble at which one you’ll get.

In other news- my cat drinks out of the toilet. Look at this sicko.

cat_on_a_hot_tin_toilet2

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Filed under aiming at heaven, funny ha ha, i am feeling feisty., i love cats. so what?, in my opionation, life questions, more like Him, right?, sad stuff, stuff I don't like

a little story about coyotes

Dustin and I were driving home the other day. When traffic is really bad on I-25 we take a back way that goes through a field and pass a golf course. We were driving with fields on both sides of us and saw a coyote on the side of the road, in the middle of the day, barking and howling with his nose straight up like some Santa Fe sculpture. We were surprised to see him sitting so close to the street with lots of cars passing and even some people walking by. We slowed down a little and rolled down the window to hear him howling. We turned the corner and saw across the field another coyote walking quickly toward the howling coyote. We noticed that the coyote coming from across the filed was limping badly and couldn’t wait to get to the howling friend. We watched them reunite, licking each others faces, and they headed off together down into a ravine.

There really isn’t a point to this story. I guess I could try and spiritualize it somehow, but it would make it even more cheesy. Actually, now that I think about it, this blog post kind of sucks. I guess you had to be there.

coyotes_reuniting

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Filed under funny ha ha, i am feeling feisty., in my opionation, Life and Marriage, Nerd Alert!, right?, sad stuff

Book Review: Ian McEwan

Ian McEwan has written eighteen books, three of which I have read. My goal is to read all eighteen. Until then here are 3 short reviews of the McEwan books I have read.

Title: Saturday//Published:2005

saturday

Saturday is a “conscience” novel, meaning the author shows us what passes through the mind of a character during a single day in a specific time and place. Saturday takes place in London on February 15, 2003; which happens to be the same time I was living just outside of London myself.  Henry Perowne, the lead protagonist, is a neurosurgeon married with 2 talented kids, one a daughter who is a published poet and a son who is a jazz musician, who are now young adults. His day starts with him waking up in the middle of the night, looking out the window and witnessing a plane on fire flying in to land at Heathrow Airport. This surreal moment sets the tone for the very eventful day in which Henry is tested and pushed into difficult decisions.

Favorite quote:

“There are these rare moments when musicians together touch something sweeter than they’ve ever found before in rehearsals or performance, beyond the merely collaborative or technically proficient, when their expression becomes as easy and graceful as friendship or love. This is when they give us a glimpse of what we might be, of our best selves, and of an impossible world in which you give everything to others, but lose nothing of yourself.”

Title: On Chesil Beach//Published: 2007

on_chesil_beach-ian_mcewan

On Chisel Beach introduces us to a newlywed couple who has just arrived at a bed and breakfast set on the beach at Dorset, England in 1962. The couple is nervous for the upcoming newlywed “activities”, and in Ian McEwan’s incredible style, we experience their thoughts and fears in a very vulnerable light making each character feel familiar and understood by the reader. For anyone who has been married and has experienced that first night together, this book rings true on many levels, from the precise and intimate depiction of two young lovers eager to rise above the hurts and confusion of the past, to the touching story of how their unexpressed misunderstandings and fears shape the rest of their lives, On Chesil Beach is an extraordinary novel that brilliantly, movingly shows us that “This is how the entire course of a life can be changed: by doing nothing.”

Favorite quote:

“Their plan was to change into rough shoes after supper and walk on the shingle between the sea and the lagoon known as the fleet, and if they had not finished the wine, they would take that along, and swig from the bottle like gentlemen of the road. And they had so many plans, giddy plans, heaped up before them in the misty future, as richly tangled as the summer flora of the Dorset coast, and as beautiful. Where and how they would live, who their close friends would be, his job with her father’s firm, her musical career and what to do with the money her father had given her, and how they would not be like other people, at least, not inwardly. This was still the era—it would end later in that famous decade—when to be young was a social encumbrance, a mark of irrelevance, a faintly embarrassing condition for which marriage was the beginning of a cure. Almost strangers, they stood, strangely together, on a new pinnacle of existence, gleeful that their new status promised to promote them out of their endless youth—Edward and Florence, free at last! One of their favorite topics was their childhoods, not so much the pleasures as the fog of comical misconceptions from which they had emerged, and the various parental errors and outdated practices they could now forgive.”

Title: Atonement//Published: 2001

atonement

Atonement, my favorite of the three, is set on the hottest day of the summer in 1935. McEwan takes the reader from a elegant manor house set in the English countryside, to the horrors of World War II, then finally to a present-day London. McEwan captures childhood fantasies, love, war, England and class in a vivid light, enthralling you into this world of misunderstandings, false accusations, revenge, shame and forgiveness. The ability for me to be captivated by this book was helped by my own time living in a manor house in England much like the one described in Atonement. My own love story unfolded in this house tucked away in the country, much like Cecilia and Robbie. Our story is not a story of loss and tragedy, but still consisted of drama all the same.

If you are interested, be sure to read the book before you see the movie. Allow yourself the oppurutnity to create these characters instead of having a director create his own interpretation for you.

Favorite quote:

“Cecilia wondered, as she sometimes did when she met a man for the first time, if this was the one she was going to marry, and whether it was this particular moment she would remember for the rest of her life – with gratitude, or profound and particular regret.”

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Filed under book worm, currently reading/listening to, in my opionation, new stuff, rad shizzz, right?, sad stuff

5 o’clock shadow

Each morning I wake up, sometimes shower, get dressed, and do my hair and make up. I look in our full length mirror and say to myself, “not great, but looks pretty good.” But, it does not fail, around 3 o’clock I catch a glimpse of myself in our office mirror and think, what the heck happened to me? Why am I wearing this stupid outfit and why does my hair look like this? How could I have possibly thought I looked good when I left my house this way? Is it that the lighting in our bathroom is so fantastic that it’s like wearing beer-goggles when I look in the mirror? Or is it that I am so tired in the morning that I don’t put much thought into what looks good or not? Whatever the reason I am sitting here in retarded jeans, a wrinkly shirt and stringy hair,  having one of those days.

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Filed under funny ha ha, i am feeling feisty., in my opionation, life questions, my opionion does matter, Nerd Alert!, right?, sad stuff, stuff I don't like

Unraveling Spools: how Kate and Jesus pick up bags of garbage.

I recently discovered (I say that phrase a lot on my blog) that I attribute characteristics that are only human to God. Ideas like “God must get so sick of me asking for this” “God is so annoyed that I keep repenting then doing the same thing over and over.” “I haven’t prayed about this need for a while, maybe I need to remind Him about it.” “I can’t go to God with this, He will be so disappointed.”

Now keep in mind that these are subconscious thoughts and, of course, seeing them written out here they so obviously go against what the Word says about who God is, but they are subtle and quiet thoughts in my mind they sneak by the scripture patrol and dive deep into my heart altering the way I see God and ultimately changing our relationship.

Ideas of God being annoyed, impatient, tired of me and my sin were formed early in my life from authority figures: a teacher who obviously hated kids and shouldn’t be teaching, yelling at me in front of the class-that was an authority losing patience, that was an authority wishing I would change and just be “good”, and in turn the Ultimate Authority (God) must feel the same about me. I had an abusive boss that would take my mistakes as if they were personal attacks, saying I was “from the enemy” and a “stumbling block”. Again adding to how God as my authority must feel when I screw up time and time again. When I stumble I picture that man’s face and anger and unfairly attribute it to God.

Here I am-unraveling long spools of wrong beliefs about God and His character. He wants to show me his love, compassion, grace and patience, His long suffering in a way that no human could ever display or understand.

I have a submissive heart, a very confused submissive heart, which, at times, bows before abusive authority and rebels against loving authority.

I desire to forgive those who were in my life as authority, who, because of being human, simply misunderstood me.

I can see forgiveness on the horizon, but God is first walking me through an inventory of my past hurts, my past sins and secret wrong-doings. I am in the dusty old stockroom of my heart flipping through yearbooks from my childhood and realizing how much it has shaped my view of God like water cutting through a canyon.


I read an article yesterday that describes the inventory I am going through best. It is a grim, gross story that shows me how hidden and shameful sin can become. My heart was a mess, all it took was a small leak to discover the truly scary state I was in. Me and Jesus are throwing out the bags and bags of garbage and filth, I am not alone in it, Jesus (as my Authority) is not frustrated or disappointed as we do it, He is on my side, walking me through the filth so I will find purity and freedom in Him.

Read Article here: Hundreds of bags of trash taken out of condo.


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Filed under aiming at heaven, Life and Marriage, more like Him, my opionion does matter, right?, sad stuff, stuff I don't like