I haven’t blogged very much since finding out I was pregnant. The thoughts and feelings are so deep and so many that I haven’t even known where to begin. This morning I woke up remembering what lies ahead in the day–boy or girl?? I finally sat down and wrote out some thoughts that I’d thought I could share. It’s an intimate glimpse, but one that I think you could appreciate.
How will it all look? How will I handle the hard times? Can I love enough-deep enough? Can I be devoted enough? Can I sacrifice enough? Will the good truly outweigh the bad? Will the lack of sleep drive me to distance myself from others? Will my wonderful, perfect marriage become dull and full of daily chores and exhaustion?
Will I lose a sense of myself-the young me, the artistic me, the adventurous and a bit crazy me? Will it all be taken over, like some alien abduction where I return as a “Mom”, robotic and set in a routine?
No amount of planning, praying and waiting could have possibly answered these questions. They are deep and surrounding.
It’s all been an idea of a baby-a concept. On paper it all seemed so simple. I just want a baby. Now all I really know is that I am almost 15 pounds heavier, it looks like I have a globe of the world stuck under my shirt and I can barely roll over in bed at night. It’s become a mystery, like looking into a deep ocean and seeing shapes of what lies just beneath the surface. Even when I look to others who have gone ahead of me in this craziness, I still feel a vagueness about the whole thing. No amount of books or friends can make me feel “ready”.
In about 2 hours we will find out if you are made of sugar and spice or snails and puppy dog tails. It will be another step in the reality of YOU. A person, not an idea or an event to plan for. A person with dreams, with hurts, fears, desires and accomplishments. A person who will be brave, loving, full of questions and unspoken hopes. You will grow, you will explore. You will struggle. You will be unpredictable. You will love Jesus. Your daddy will be your hero and your best friend will be Ripley. You will fish with grandpa, you will take walks with grandma. You will be spoiled by Aunt Mary and go camping with Uncle Henry. You will taste fruit and climb mountains. You will play in piles of yellow leaves and splash in puddles after rain storms. You will scrap your knees and find comfort in my arms.You’ll laugh and splash in the bath and I’ll wrap you up in a towel with your little wet head poking out. You will be the most loved, the most cherish, the most beautifully perfect-and you will be all mine.
I want the world for you, my baby. And no amount of questions or fears will ever change that.
I can’t wait to meet you.
btw- you are a BOY!!!