Tag Archives: Celebrate Recovery

Unraveling Spools: how Kate and Jesus pick up bags of garbage.

I recently discovered (I say that phrase a lot on my blog) that I attribute characteristics that are only human to God. Ideas like “God must get so sick of me asking for this” “God is so annoyed that I keep repenting then doing the same thing over and over.” “I haven’t prayed about this need for a while, maybe I need to remind Him about it.” “I can’t go to God with this, He will be so disappointed.”

Now keep in mind that these are subconscious thoughts and, of course, seeing them written out here they so obviously go against what the Word says about who God is, but they are subtle and quiet thoughts in my mind they sneak by the scripture patrol and dive deep into my heart altering the way I see God and ultimately changing our relationship.

Ideas of God being annoyed, impatient, tired of me and my sin were formed early in my life from authority figures: a teacher who obviously hated kids and shouldn’t be teaching, yelling at me in front of the class-that was an authority losing patience, that was an authority wishing I would change and just be “good”, and in turn the Ultimate Authority (God) must feel the same about me. I had an abusive boss that would take my mistakes as if they were personal attacks, saying I was “from the enemy” and a “stumbling block”. Again adding to how God as my authority must feel when I screw up time and time again. When I stumble I picture that man’s face and anger and unfairly attribute it to God.

Here I am-unraveling long spools of wrong beliefs about God and His character. He wants to show me his love, compassion, grace and patience, His long suffering in a way that no human could ever display or understand.

I have a submissive heart, a very confused submissive heart, which, at times, bows before abusive authority and rebels against loving authority.

I desire to forgive those who were in my life as authority, who, because of being human, simply misunderstood me.

I can see forgiveness on the horizon, but God is first walking me through an inventory of my past hurts, my past sins and secret wrong-doings. I am in the dusty old stockroom of my heart flipping through yearbooks from my childhood and realizing how much it has shaped my view of God like water cutting through a canyon.

I read an article yesterday that describes the inventory I am going through best. It is a grim, gross story that shows me how hidden and shameful sin can become. My heart was a mess, all it took was a small leak to discover the truly scary state I was in. Me and Jesus are throwing out the bags and bags of garbage and filth, I am not alone in it, Jesus (as my Authority) is not frustrated or disappointed as we do it, He is on my side, walking me through the filth so I will find purity and freedom in Him.

Read Article here: Hundreds of bags of trash taken out of condo.



Filed under aiming at heaven, Life and Marriage, more like Him, my opionion does matter, right?, sad stuff, stuff I don't like

Sailing on a Ship

I have a friend who is going through Celebrate Recovery. We don’t attend together, but there is a certain comradarie for those of us going through the program. Recently I made a “Recovery Mix” of songs that I felt God was using to encourage me and speak to me while I drudge through the 12 steps. I passed the mix on to my friend and in return he made a mix for me that he is listening to while he goes through recovery. Every song on the mix speaks to me, but the first song is the best. It perfectly describes how I feel as I obediently walk through the program and work the steps, it is able to put into words what I can’t and I want to share it with you.

A voice is on the wind
It calls me further in
I’m heading deeper into Your heart
Your mark is on my chest
My sails filled with your breath
You guide me by the light of the stars

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

Though skies go blue to grey
And I’m thrown from wave to wave
You still will hear these lungs singing hard
With every storm I face
I find a greater grace
That pulls me deeper into Your heart

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on

To where the water’s running sweet and bright
The sun is rising in the eastern sky
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

Phil Wickham

Sailing on a Ship


Filed under aiming at heaven, currently reading/listening to, fall is beginning, Life and Marriage, music, new stuff, rockin' out, So it begins...